The Space Between Us: Healing the Quiet Ache of Loneliness

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Loneliness is a silent epidemic affecting millions globally, even those who appear surrounded by people and connections. Science now shows that chronic loneliness has physical health impacts equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes daily, raising risks of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and even dementia.

• 16% of people globally report feeling lonely, with higher rates among young adults 18-24
• Loneliness isn't about being alone—it's about not feeling seen, understood, or valued
• We live in an era of being "alone together"—connected through technology but disconnected emotionally
• Our bodies and brains constantly communicate, making loneliness both an emotional and physical health issue
• Connection through community involvement and volunteering provides both purpose and healing
• Micro-connections like making eye contact with a barista or texting a friend can make meaningful differences
• Joining community groups, clubs, or classes—even monthly—can shift your sense of belonging
• "We are wounded in connection and we heal in connection"

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Loneliness Epidemic
• 10:07 Loneliness as a Health Issue
• 13:10 The Physical Impact of Loneliness
• 16:39 The Era of "Alone Together"
• 19:40 Solutions and Healing Through Connection
• 24:44 Five Ways to Reconnect Today

Transcript

Speaker 00: 0:00

Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for real conversation and a gentle check-in. KWVH presents Couch Time with Cat. Hi, I'm Cat, trauma therapist, coach, TEDx speaker, bestselling author, and your host here on Couch Time with Cat. I've spent over a decade walking alongside people through the real, raw, and sacred work of becoming whole again. Couch Time with Cat, mental wellness with a friendly voice, is where we have conversations that are equal parts science and soul. This is where we get honest about anxiety, grief, burnout, relationships, and the brave everyday work of healing. You don't have to have it all figured out to belong here. Whether you're tuning in right from here in the hill country or listening across the world, I want you to feel seen, supported, and reminded that you're not alone. So find your cozy spot, take a deep breath, and let's talk about what it means to be human together. Not long ago, I sat across from a darling friend. She's successful, well-loved, always busy. And she whispered, I don't think anyone really knows me. And that moment stayed with me. I asked her what she meant and she said, people know what I do and... who my kids are and what grocery store I shop at, but they don't really know deeper levels about me. They don't know where I hurt and they don't know what makes me laugh and they don't know the anxiety that hits my thoughts when my head hits the pillow at night. And I grabbed for her hand and I just hugged her and we started talking about this. And she said, I think I'm actually really lonely. And it reminded me that loneliness isn't about how many people we have around us or how many followers we have or how many people we employ or even how many people are in our family. Loneliness is really about do we feel seen or do we feel or not? Do we feel fully understood? Are people sitting with us, listening to us, asking us follow-up questions, are they really interested in what makes us us? And so today I want to ask you the question, have you ever felt surrounded but still felt invisible? Today we're talking about something quietly affecting so many of us, even when we don't realize it, and that's loneliness. Let's start with some context. Did you know the World Health Organization reports that about 16% of people globally feel lonely? And among young people, the numbers are even higher. In the U.S., one in five adults report feeling lonely every day. That's a lot of hearts walking around with an ache they can't name. But naming it is how we start healing it. When we think about loneliness, we might think of sadness or being alone. But loneliness is a health issue also. As we learn more, science tells us that our brain sends information to our body and our body sends information to our brain. And it's this two lane road where we're constantly exchanging information. And so it's no surprise that if our brain head and heart feel lonely, that that's going to have a direct effect on our physiology, on our bodies, on whether we are healthy or not. Science tells us that chronic loneliness raises the risk of depression, anxiety, and even suicidality. The S word, that's a big word. That could be really scary to hear. But a lot of people are thinking about it. A lot of people go through it. And a lot of people get so alone and so isolated that sometimes this seems like a decent option. And of course, we never want anybody to experience that. We never want anybody to feel so alone that they feel like that is the best option. So in this episode, we're going to talk about ways to support ourselves and support one another through this loneliness epidemic. Because we're surrounded by people and we're surrounded by technology and we're constantly interacting. But all these interactions are very surface level. And they're not getting to the root of who we are. And even though we're interacting, we're not connecting. Physically, loneliness is linked to heart disease, stroke, inflammation, and even dementia. And get this, researchers say that the impact of loneliness on the body is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Good Lord, 15 cigarettes. I'm old enough to remember when smoking cigarettes was cool. Here's a fun fact. I tried to be cool and smoke cigarettes in college, and I couldn't even do it the right way. So that was a really short-lived phase. But as we all know, smoking cigarettes, although fun and cool for the Marlboro Man, is not healthy for our bodies. So in the way that cigarettes can shorten our life, so can loneliness. But numbers don't tell the whole story. As we know, what does it actually feel like to carry that kind of quiet pain day after day? So if our brain is informing our body and our body is informing our brain, let's take a minute and kind of do a body scan. Let's take a minute and drop into our bodies. What does it mean to drop into our body? So often our energy is projected outward, and we're not really paying attention to how our body is feeling. Is it feeling contracted? Do we feel tight? Do we feel cold? Do we feel tense, right? Do we have a pulled muscle? These are ways your body feels on the inside. And forgive this crass example, but it's a really effective example. If you have to go to the bathroom, how do you know? How do you know you have to go to the bathroom? You know because there's an internal sensation. And just the way you have practiced paying attention to that internal sensation and following through with that internal sensation We can take that energy, we can take that same template and really pay attention to what's happening in our body in terms of our feelings. So what does loneliness feel like in your body? Is there an ache in your heart? Is there a tenseness in your chest? When you're alone and you feel alone, what is happening inside your body? Maybe something's happening in your chest or your belly or your throat. Have you ever had a lump in your throat and not known exactly why that was there? You know you don't feel good, but you can't exactly pinpoint why you don't feel good. When was the last time you felt deeply connected to somebody? You can contrast that feeling of feeling deeply connected to the feeling of not necessarily disconnection, but I'm even going to say floating. Sometimes we're so busy that we float through our life without actually grounding down and feeling really connected. A few episodes back, my best friend, Melissa Correa, she interviewed me for episode one and two. Go back and check those out. And she asked me, what is your goal, your dream for this show? And I said, my dream for this show is that it increases connection, that people feel seen, and that they feel more connected with friends and family in their life so that they can feel uplifted and do life in a more fulfilling way so they can experience potluck night and card game night and friday night lights together because when we do it together it's so rewarding and fulfilling and we feel like we matter to somebody and they matter to us and that creates a richness and a texture in our life that we don't get when we are doing things alone It's easy to assume loneliness only affects a certain kind of person, but the data tells a more complex story. Young adults ages 18 to 24 report the highest levels of loneliness, more than retirees even. And if I had to guess, and if you had to guess, what would you say? My guess is that The more involved we are with our phones, with technology, that the less connected we are to those around us. All this technology is created to get our attention, the attention economy. It's created to keep us interacting with it and not interacting with other things. And it's very good. It's very powerful. So battling our phones and the technology that's in our lives is kind of like swimming upstream. So it's no surprise to me that young adults ages 18 to 24 report the highest levels of loneliness. Additionally, marginalized communities face even higher rates. Because when you feel like your identity isn't seen, accepted, appreciated, or safe in the world, disconnection grows. The separation between you and the other person grows. If you don't think somebody really gets you or somebody understands your experience or perspective, you're less likely to even try. And it's not just emotional. People living in poverty or isolated rural areas often face systemic barriers to connection. Do you ever scroll through your phone surrounded by updates and still feel like no one would notice if you disappeared for a while? That's the ache so many carry. Even I have experienced this really interesting thought, which maybe you all have experienced, is if I don't post something, Did it happen? If I don't share what is happening in my life, do I matter? And so it's this contrary experience where I want to post in order to connect, but me involving, me using technology to connect is actually taking me further away from the connection. So it's this contradictory, it's on the one hand this and on the other hand this. We've inundated ourselves with so much social media and so much technology that we kind of forget what it's like to do life without it. Now let's talk about what's underneath. There's social loneliness and Not enough friends or interactions. And then there's emotional loneliness. Having people around, but not feeling truly understood or valued. In today's world, we're connected all the time, but often in shallow ways. We live in the era of alone together. We're all just tiny little silos of information walking around. And we're connected to our technology and devices when before we were connected to each other. And in remote work, fewer third spaces and pandemic aftershocks, we've lost those spontaneous serendipitous moments, the small talk at the coffee shop, the smile on a grocery aisle. We've lost these small bits of friction, these small touch points where we're in line for... tickets to a movie theater do you guys remember that tickets to a movie theater now we buy tickets online they show up on our phone we scan them as we walk in it used to be you would stand in line at the movie theater buy your ticket kind of turn to the person behind or the person in front say oh what are you seeing I'm excited about this what are you going to get for a snack and so it was much more of a community feel and now We hardly make eye contact with the people at the movie theater. Sometimes there isn't even anybody at the ticket booth. So we're living in an era of alone together. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can absolutely make a difference. We can absolutely change it. A while back, I had a random conversation in a coffee shop. Blueberry Muffins And if I don't stop and think about it, I really lose sight of the fact that there are people, maybe she worked remotely from home and this was her only interaction of the day with a stranger. And that can fill us up in a way that's very meaningful. Connection doesn't always look like deep talks or long friendships. Sometimes it's just being seen in the ordinary moments. So what helps? Community involvement. For older adults, volunteering has been shown to lower stress and blood pressure. And for all of us, helping others gives us purpose and a sense of belonging. Purpose and a sense of belonging are gifts that keep on giving. Yes, we can listen to every podcast under the sun about how to optimize our health. But if we're not connecting with people we love, if we're not being of service to our communities, we are missing a huge part of wellness. When we give of ourselves to others, we really get back and we get back something intangible. But that intangible thing really lifts us up. Social prescribing is another powerful tool. In the UK and Australia, doctors are writing prescriptions for group art classes, walking clubs, and volunteering because they know connection is medicine. With my clients, I often... We often talk about how, yes, we're talking about things and we're working through things, but there are also healing benefits that are happening two or three layers below the surface. And that's what connection does for us. That's how connection heals us. Often we are wounded in connection and then we heal in connection. We cannot be whole and well and heal in solitude. Peer support is just as effective as group therapy for reducing depression. So peer support looks like chatting with your friends. It looks like book clubs. It looks like going on walks together. It looks like barbecues in the backyard. And then there's nostalgia. Revisiting old memories and music can boost connection, even internally. Oh man, there are these Garth Brooks songs that take me back. And there is something that happens inside my body. When I'm listening to Toby Keith and Garth Brooks, I just relax. For those of you outside of Texas or outside of listening to country music, you can look up Toby Keith and Garth Brooks, but they shoot me back straight to high school. Even my mom, when my mom hears... Excuse me. When my mom hears I Should Have Been a Cowboy by Toby Keith, she texts me and says, oh, I remember you used to love this song in high school. So that connection point is between me and Toby Keith, me and my mom, and my mom and Toby Keith. And it keeps us just connected, which is really beautiful. Even AI companies have shown in recent studies to offer online comfort and ease with loneliness, even they're looking for ways to alleviate this with people, which I know is a little bit contradictory to what I'm saying. But even they are even, even the thing that is keeping us disconnected is trying to connect us more. Which makes me wonder, what might you listener prescribe yourself to If your heart were the patient, what would you say that you need? A phone call, maybe write a few lines of poetry, a walk with somebody who listens. Maybe it's a good workout with a friend. Maybe it's playing beach. I said beach instead of beach, but that's okay. Playing beach volleyball at your local park. Honestly, I thought about joining the adult link. Maybe I will. These types of fun connection points that are lighthearted and silly, but get us out there with our friends, our family, and our community. Let's make this personal. Here are five gentle ways to reconnect starting today. First, is a daily micro connection. Text someone you've been thinking about. Smile at a neighbor. Make eye contact with a barista at your coffee shop. You'd be surprised how many people don't make eye contact anymore. This is not part of the culture. Part of our culture is to now gaze downward at our phone and Something I work on a lot with clients is just being comfortable making eye contact with people. Number two, join something. A club, a class, a community circle, even once a month can shift your sense of belonging. There are plenty of community organizations where They would love your participation, your support, your enthusiasm. Go make your community something you want to be a part of. Peer support. Look for groups in your town or online. You are not alone in what you're feeling. Professional help. Ask your doctor or therapist about community-based healing, even if you're quote-unquote doing okay. This is a pretty vulnerable thing to do, I will admit. Community group and group therapy is pretty difficult for a lot of people because it's being vulnerable in front of multiple people. And everybody's kind of raw together. And I understand how that can be a bridge too far if you're just getting into this space. And lastly, introspective practices. Journal about who and what makes you feel safe. Explore where you might be holding back. What stories did you grow up with about being independent or strong? Could those be keeping you from reaching out? Getting to a point where we can accept help or we're willing to accept help can be so incredibly vulnerable. But what's on the other side of that is true connection. One thing I've noticed in my practice is is people rarely say, I feel lonely. That's not something that just floats to the top of our thoughts very often. What they say is, I'm tired all the time. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I feel like something's missing. But sometimes all those things are pointing to to the fact that we are disconnected, that we are lonely, and that what's missing is being known. A listener once wrote to me, I've got three kids, a partner, a full calendar, and yet it feels like nobody really knows who I am. And she sounded just like my friend that I was talking to. And so if that's you, Please know you are not broken. You are not the only one. And you belong here. Maybe your next step is sending a text or joining that group you've been eyeing. Or maybe it's just letting yourself be vulnerable and asking for help, knowing that this is part of connection. And on the other side of asking for help is And support and connection is more fulfillment, more meaning, and a richer, more textured life. And that's a wrap on today's episode of Couch Time with Kat. I'm so grateful you joined me here. Whether you were walking, driving, or curled up with a cup of something warm, I hope today's conversation left you feeling just a little more connected to yourself and a little less alone in whatever you're walking through. If you'd like to connect with me, you can find me at katiaholm.com. That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com or over on Instagram at Katia Hernandez Holm. I'd love to hear your thoughts, your questions, or what this episode stirred in you. If we had a guest on today's episode, you can find all their links and info in the show notes. Please support their work and follow along if they resonated with you. And if this episode meant something to you, would you please take a moment to rate, review, and share it with a friend? These stories matter. Your voice matters. Until next time, be kind to yourself.