The Compass Within: Navigating Life Through Your Core Values

To become a client, visit me at catiaholm.com or leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930. 

Mental wellness requires an anchor deeper than our fleeting emotions, and living by our values provides the stability we need to navigate life's challenges with integrity and purpose. 

• Values are steady qualities we want to embody, while feelings are temporary messages from our body and brain
• Research shows people who live aligned with their values report higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety, and greater resilience
• The affect heuristic makes us decide based on momentary feelings, but psychological flexibility allows us to pause and choose our response
• Asking "what would my wisest self do here?" helps bridge the gap between emotional reactions and value-aligned choices
• Small steps like visual reminders, pre-planning for difficult situations, and self-compassion after mistakes help integrate values into daily life
• Treating emotions like rainwater that needs to flow through you prevents them from becoming stagnant and problematic
• Living from values creates a strong foundation that helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react chaotically to life's challenges

If Couch Time with Cat has been meaningful to you, please subscribe, rate and leave a review. It helps others find us and grows this community of care.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Couch Time with Kat
• 1:21 Living by Values, Not Feelings
• 4:33 Feelings vs Values: Understanding the Difference
• 6:44 The Science of Value-Aligned Living
• 10:04 Decision Making: Reaction vs Response
• 12:47 Values Clarification Practice
• 17:12 Practical Ways to Live Your Values
• 22:03 Feelings as Energy in Motion

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for real conversation and a gentle check-in. Kwvh presents Couch Time with Cat. Hi friends, and welcome to Couch Time with Cat. Mental wellness with a friendly voice. I'm Cat therapist, best-selling author, tedx speaker and endurance athlete. But most of all, I'm a wife, mama and someone who deeply believes that people are good and healing is possible. Here in the hill country of Wimberley, texas, I've built my life and practice around one purpose To make mental wellness feel accessible, compassionate and real.

Speaker 1: 0:38

This show is for those moments when life feels heavy, when you're craving clarity or when you just need to hear you're not alone. Each week, we'll explore the terrain of mental wellness through stories, reflections, research and tools you can bring into everyday life. Think of it as a conversation between friends, rooted in science, guided by heart and grounded in the belief that healing does not have to feel clinical. It can feel like sitting on a couch with someone who gets it. So, whether you're driving, walking, cooking or simply catching your breath, you're welcome here. This is your space to feel seen, supported and reminded of your own strength. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in.

Speaker 1: 1:21

Today, we're going to talk about something fundamental, something that can reshape how you move through the world. We're exploring what it means to live by your values and not just your feelings. And if you hear a little extra rustling in the background, know that I have my 11 week old puppy with me. His name is Chip and he's being extra puppyish today. Here's why living by our values matters.

Speaker 1: 1:53

We live in a culture that often glorifies feelings. Follow your gut, do what feels good, trust your emotions. And yes, feelings are powerful messengers. They tell us when something's off, when something matters. But if we let them sit in the driver's seat, our lives can start to look more like a series of reactions than a story of intention. Think about it. Have you ever made a decision in a moment of frustration, fear or exhaustion and later regretted it? I know I have. Have you ever let anxiety stop you from showing up or let the anger push you into words? You didn't mean we all have, because feelings are fleeting their weather systems, passing through. If we build our lives on them, we end up tossed around unstable and reactive. Values, on the other hand, are steady. They're like the stars in the night sky always there even when the clouds drift in.

Speaker 1: 3:13

Living by your values is choosing direction over impulse, alignment over reaction. It's about asking who do I want to be, not just what do I want to feel like right now. So in today's episode, we'll unpack what values really are, how to identify them and why they matter so deeply for mental health. We'll talk about the science, the psychology and the lived experience of anchoring in values, and I'll walk you through some practices to help you bring this home into your daily life. This isn't about ignoring your feelings I love feelings, god knows I do but it's about honoring them as guests, while letting your values steer the ship, because when we live by values, we live with integrity, clarity and resilience, even when life gets messy. You're listening to Couch Time with Cat and I'm Cat and today we're talking about the practice of choosing values as your compass, instead of being pulled around by the changing tides of emotion.

Speaker 1: 4:33

Feelings are temporary. They rise, they fall. So let's talk about what are feelings versus what are values. Feelings are signals, messages from the body and brain. Joy, fear, frustration, excitement they're all part of being human. But here's the catch Feelings aren't facts and they're not always wise guides. On the other hand, values are the qualities we want to embody. They're not goals and they're not about success, they're about direction. Russ Harris, who wrote the Happiness Trap, describes values as desired qualities of action. They're how you want to show up in the world.

Speaker 1: 5:28

Here's a quick story. One time I had a really tough day back-to-back sessions, a looming deadline, and I was wiped. I mean, I was just so exhausted. My feelings were loud Cancel the plans, crawl into bed, shut out the world. I'm sure you've had a day or two like that also, but one of my core values is connection. I'd promised a friend we'd catch up, and as much as I wanted to bail, I chose to show up with honesty and boundaries. I just told her listen, I love you, I'm here, I want to hang out with you, but I am so wiped and I won't be able to stay really late. So it was a way to kind of balance both. And you know what? The coffee that we shared shifted everything. Not because I forced myself, but because I remembered who I wanted to be.

Speaker 1: 6:33

Values matter, and here's why there's a real science behind this. Research shows that people who live in alignment with their values report higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety and greater resilience. And isn't that what we all want? Oh my God, let me repeat those again Higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety and greater resilience. What if you could walk through your tomorrow with those things in hand? One study even found that valued living not just knowing your values, but acting on them was a strong predictor of mental well-being, stronger than any one single coping skill. I saw this movie one time and I wish I could remember it, but I don't Sorry, listener, but I do remember a line in the movie and it has never left me. It's probably been about 15 years since I saw it, and the line in the movie was you can't be noble in thought and not in action. And that was so illuminating for me. We cannot be noble in thought and not in action. There's real science behind this. Research shows that people who live in alignment with their values report higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety and greater resilience. I'm going to repeat those again because they sound incredible Higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety and greater resilience. Wouldn't it be amazing to walk through your tomorrow with those three things? One study even found that valued living not just knowing your values, but acting on them was a stronger predictor of mental well-being than any single coping skill.

Speaker 1: 8:44

Neuroscience backs it up too. When we make value-aligned decisions, our brain's reward system lights up like a Christmas tree. It reinforces motivation and gives us a quiet sense of peace, even if the choice was hard. And here's another nugget when we live out of sync with our values, it creates internal friction, what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. That's the guilt, the regret, the ache we feel when we know we're acting out of character. Our bodies are wise and they know so. The bigger the gap between who you are and who you want to be, the greater the guilt. The greater the shame, the greater the pain.

Speaker 1: 9:41

The real trick is to make decisions that get you further along the path, where your insides match your outsides, where your insides match your outsides, so where you are an aligned person at the coffee shop with your kiddos, with your partner at work. Let's go to the decision making process. So reaction versus response. Let's talk about how this shows up in real life. Let's talk about how this shows up in real life. There is something called the affect heuristic. It's a fancy term that means we tend to make decisions based on how we feel in the moment.

Speaker 1: 10:26

If we're anxious, we might avoid something. If we're, we might leap before we look. But what if we could pause just for a beat and ask what would my values choose here? That's what psychological flexibility is all about the ability to notice our thoughts and feelings without being ruled by them. A question I offer clients and myself sometimes is what would my wisest self do here? So not the part of me that's scared or not the part of me that's overwhelmed, but the wise one, the value centered one, because we're all going to have this concert of voices and emotions and sometimes we don't get enough sleep and we're tired, and it makes us less patient, and sometimes we're in a hurry and so we may be a little shorter to the grocery store clerk or what have you.

Speaker 1: 11:38

But if we let those smaller parts of us choose how we're going to react, how we're going to be in the world, that chasm between who we are and who we want to be gets bigger and bigger and bigger. When we can slow down and observe this and accept this, that we're going to have these disparate parts, these parts that are crying out for attention, these parts that really want to react, that really want to throw an adult tantrum, that really want to slam your book, that really want to, you know, slam your. That really want to slam your book that really want to, you know, slam your laptop and leave the meeting or whatever it is. We all have those parts, to be sure. The trick is accepting those parts, acknowledging them, thanking them, having them, having compassion for them, saying thank you for trying to stick up for me, but you know what? I've got this and who's the I? That's your wise self, your value-centered self.

Speaker 1: 12:44

How about we do a little guided practice? How does that sound? We're going to take a moment and clarify our values. So if you are in a place where you can grab a piece of paper and a pen, maybe you're going to take some notes on your phone or type something onto your computer. And if you're driving, don't do any of those things, just listen and come back to the show. If you're in a space where you can close your eyes and take a deep breath, you're going to inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. I want you to do it again this time. I want your belly to go soft like a balloon. So you're going to inhale through your nose and then I want you to exhale. When you exhale, I want you to let your belly go soft like a balloon and just kind of feel that ease, your belly expanding and feeling really comfortable. Now that you're in your body, your shoulders are maybe a little more relaxed.

Speaker 1: 13:52

Ask yourself gently what truly matters to me. Is it kindness, honesty, playfulness, faith, service? Maybe what matters to you is growth or rest, creativity or family. Try to name three to five values that feel true for you, not what you think you should value, but what resonates deeply. You're probably not going to say the fanciest car on the block or being the best dressed. I have an inkling that you're going to say something more foundational, because that's what we crave. We crave these values that help us. Crave these values that help us become who we're meant to be.

Speaker 1: 14:59

So name three to five values that feel true for you, and now pick one and let it rise to the surface. Hold it there. So I'm going to choose. I'm going to choose surf service. I was going to say surface. I'm going to choose service. I was going to say surface. I'm going to choose service and let it rise to the surface. How about that? Okay, so breathe it in. I'm going to think about service. How do I want to be of service in my life? Okay.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Next, ask yourself if I lived 1% more by this value today. What might change? Okay, 1%, that's not that much, right? Okay? So how can I be more of service? I can hold the door open for people more. I can offer help with somebody's groceries. I can bring my neighbor's trash bins in just because I'm trying to be nice or, you know, show kindness or gratitude. I can write a handwritten thank you note. Yes, I'm going to do that for sure. I can bake a dozen cookies for a coworker. This is how I can be of service and just shift that needle one percent more.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Maybe for you it's choosing to speak kindly or turning off your phone and being present with your child, or letting yourself rest without guilt. That's values-based living. Guilt, that's values-based living. Maybe it's deciding that you're not going to lose your temper anymore because you value patience over perfection. Maybe you value patience and perfection just doesn't do it for you anymore. At least the reaching for the, striving for the stressing out when things don't go just right Gosh, that can be exhausting. We can live our values in small, brave steps.

Speaker 1: 17:12

Living your values doesn't mean perfection. It means returning again and again. Here are a few ways to begin. You can set reminders so you can write your top value on a sticky note, put it on your mirror and let it nudge you. You can pre-plan.

Speaker 1: 17:40

Before a hard conversation, ask yourself how can I embody courage and care? Maybe one of your values is connection and you know that. Going into a hard conversation. So during that hard conversation, you're not going to try to win, you're not going to try to belittle anybody, you're not going to try to end up the right one, quote, unquote. If your value is connection, you're going to go into that hard conversation with more humility, a listening ear, and really try to understand what your friend is saying or what your spouse is saying or what your kid is saying, without trying to get your point across or, after a mistake, offer yourself grace. Maybe one of your values is faithfulness and maybe you've lost your faith along the way. I think that's happened to us all sometimes. Instead of being mean to yourself, instead of shaming yourself for losing your faith along the way, try, just try, offering yourself grace and asking yourself how can I return to alignment, how can I return to my values? So you're not then piling on shame and guilt and anger on top of the misalignment. You're addressing the misalignment. You're saying, okay, time to come back to center. It's actually a much more effective and efficient way to do it.

Speaker 1: 19:27

We've all had that mean high school coach or maybe it's a sports coach, maybe not high school but we've all had a mean coach before who yells at us and belittles us and uses that kind of mean, centered motivation, fear-based motivation, and that may work in the short term, but that is not leadership and that is not what works in the long term. If you look at any of the elite coaches Phil Jackson, pete Carroll, julie Foudy these people lead with a good heart, with with motivation, with a positive spirit. They lead with a way to get the best and most out of their athletes in the most sustainable way. And it's not by being mean, it's by saying okay, let's work on fundamentals. And here we are, and back and back and back. If you pile shame, guilt and anger on top of the misalignment, you're going to stay misaligned for much, much longer. So if you've been being mean to yourself when you act out of your values, I want to encourage you to let that meanness go. You no longer need to be a mean coach to yourself. You can be Phil Jackson to yourself. Guys, I was raised in the 90s with two younger brothers. So this is my coaching reference, phil Jackson.

Speaker 1: 21:03

And when big feelings come and they will give yourself a chance for success. And what does that mean? Take a pause, thank your emotions, thank your feelings, let them move through and then return to your compass. Feelings, emotions these are energy in motion. They need to have a place to move through, just like beautiful rainwater. When beautiful rainwater hits a poth, any of the creeks here in the hill country, that water is life-giving. It changes the environment for the turtles and the fish habitat and the trees. And so think of feelings like rainwater. For them to be life-giving, they need to move through you, through like beautiful river water. If they sit and stay stagnant, they will metastasize and create problems for you.

Speaker 1: 22:25

As we close today, I want to leave you with this. Close today, I want to leave you with this Feelings are like weather or water, or water and weather. They shift, they swirl, they change, but values values are the stars always there, even when the sky is cloudy. What's one value you want to let guide you this week? Maybe write it down, whisper it in the mirror, share it with a friend and remember you're allowed to live with intention. You're allowed to choose who you want to be. You don't need to live in reaction to the things happening around you. You can choose who you are and then respond to the things happening around you. When you live from a response, from that foundation, a solid foundation of who you are, you will be much more fulfilled with your life, you'll feel steadier, you'll feel more confident, you'll feel more able to navigate what life throws at you. Because we all know we live in a chaotic time and if we're constantly reacting to that chaos, we too will feel chaotic. But if we have values that we can root in and devote ourselves to, that gives us a really strong compass and foundation to mix metaphors that we can live life with.

Speaker 1: 24:08

Thank you for spending this time with me. If something from today's conversation resonated, or if you're in a season where support would help, visit me at gathiaholmcom that's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-Mcom. You can also leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930. I'd love to hear what's on your heart. If Couch Time with Cat has been meaningful to you, it would mean so much if you'd subscribe, rate and leave a review. It helps others find us and it grows this community of care. And if you know someone who needs a little light right now. Send them this episode. Remind them they're not alone. Until next time, be gentle with yourself, keep showing up and know I'm right here with you.